Wednesday, November 22, 2017

The Art of Ghosting and Why You're an Asshole

Ghosting. If you're not familiar with this new term, you're a very lucky individual. You've either been granted the rare and beautiful thing called a "mature" relationship or you're very very old and in that case, why are you on my blog?

Ghosting is when someone you're seeing romantically dies. No really, they're dead. This is why it's called ghosting. Because that person died and can no longer contact you since you're not Haley Joel Osment (lol I'm hilarious). That is the only respectable reason why someone would just, never talk to you again. For absolutely no reason. They're fucking dead. So move on.


Fine. They're not dead. It's actually worse.

These people, they fall off the face of the planet into this special part of the universe where truly pathetic human beings belong. They're people who literally just stop talking to the people they've been dating... For no reason. They just stop responding to any message (but hilariously enough, still watch your Instagram Stories. Man, the 21st Century is bonkers). I've had friends who have ghosted romantic partners. It's something I can only deter with harsh judgement and glaring, not that that actually works. But I'm very much against it and I haven't actually ghosted anyone I dated... Which leads me to the next part. I just want to clarify what I mean when I say "ghosting". Someone you've been talking to on Tinder who suddenly stopped talking to you isn't "ghosting" you (I am suuuuuuper sorry about that guys). Someone you met once who stopped responding to your Facebook messages? Also not ghosting. Additionally, in both these circumstances, if the other person has made it abundantly clear (via words and actions) that they're not even interested in a first date... "Ghosting" may be the only option. I've been there. Go for it, people.

The act of ghosting only really counts when you've had at least one date with this person or have some sort of a history with them. It's also a very cuddly, nice word to use for a really terrible thing to do to another human being. For no reason.

I've certainly had my fair share of ghosting. There was my very first dabble into the dating world with the infamous Togos boy that ended in my first super fun ghosting experience that set the cornerstone of the baggage I now carry. No one will ever forget the human equivalent of a frisbee who attempted to ghost me after being involved for two and a half years (lol yeah, two and a half years). There's the family friend who I'm pretty sure is probably reading this (hey, what's up?) and thinking about how awkward he's made future run ins cause we're definitely going to have to see one another again. And of course, my most recent one that everyone was super sure was a "good guy". But I'm here to tell you that even "good guys" can be dicks. Which is why those words are in quotes. Cause, I'm sorry buddy, but actual good guys don't ghost people.

So I'm going to help you out, ladies and gentlemen. Are you contemplating ghosting the person you just went on a few dates with despite the fact that that person did nothing wrong? Is that other person super awesome and you're just a complete asshole so you really really believe that the only thing to do is ghost them? Do I have news for you!

... I don't have news for you but I do have 4 things you could do instead of ghosting them:

  1. Purchase a messenger pigeon. Messenger pigeons have been used since like 1150 and Genghis Khan used them (there's a song about him and I am crying at how many people don't actually know who he is). All you have to do is buy the pigeon already trained, write down the message, tie it onto their little tiny leg, and send them on their way. That way, you don't have to deal with the tears that you are very clearly too terrified to deal with. Who are you? Elphaba?                                                                                                                                                                                           
  2. Write your message down. Translate it into a cryptogram. Leave it for the person you want to ghost. Optional: Give them a key to help solve it. If you want to one up this, you can buy an actual cryptex (pictured above - I have one but the human equivalent of frisbee kept it along with my xbox and I don't know which I'm more upset about). This way, the person has to play this really cool game in order to find out that you're ditching them and they developed a new skill.                                                   
    I should do this for the people who have ghosted me. 

    I feel this on a very deep level.
  3. Convince Ryan Reynolds or Chrissy Teigen to tweet them. I cannot think of how this would possibly be a bad thing. They're Twitter gods. Everyone wins here.                                     
    I have one. Should I take it out? Is that how you reached out to me?
  4. Tell an actual ghost and have that ghost tell them via a Ouija board. It's like Ghostception.
I do have a final bonus option though. Perhaps, for one second, remember that the person you're about to ghost is an actual, living, breathing, human being who has actual human being feelings. Remember that at some point, this is someone you actually cared for. Remember that no one actually deserves to be ghosted for any reason, no matter what you think. And lastly, please remember this one as it will help you in the future... Karma is a bitch (and she's probably a Scorpio ha-ha-ha yes, so funny, I've heard all your lame Scorpio jokes. You'd think y'all would stop making fun of us at some point since you think we're all Satan reborn).

Or you can remain a pathetic piece of shit. Honestly, the choice is yours. 

Boy, Mario games have really changed since my day.

My final, and most important message, goes out to the people who have been ghosted and I'm going to get really serious here. You did nothing wrong. This was not your fault. There is nothing wrong with you. After so many years of being treated like I don't even deserve to be spoken to by so many different guys... It's really hard not to believe that there is something very wrong with me. That there is something that I am doing to deserve to constantly be treated like this. I have gone over every scene in my head to figure things out, cried to Jessica, and done some really terrible things to harm myself because I really thought that there was something wrong with me. And when this is the most common experience I've had with guys, can you blame me for feeling this way? I can't say that these feelings have left me but I can say that I'm working really hard to push them away. So let me say it again. I did nothing wrong. This was not my fault. There is nothing wrong with me. Ghosting is always, 100% on the pathetic human who decided to take a cowards way out instead of show some basic human decency. They are the people who made a selfish decision that affected your life. It's unfair that they are the ones who don't have to wonder, "Ummm, did they actually die? Are they dead? Perhaps they were mauled by a bear??" They don't have to make excuses to friends until they figure out they've been ghosted. They just get to live life, carefree. And that's the pits, I know. You just have to remember that you're a good person who hasn't ghosted anyone and you're not a pathetic human being. 

And that's a really great feeling.  

- so I can sigh eternally -


Friday, November 10, 2017

29. I'm just waiting for 65 so I can start getting that senior discount.

I had that hip pop from day one.
Hey there. I bet you forgot I existed. 2017 has more than gotten away from me. I blinked my eyes in January and it was already July. I blinked again and it was Halloween. I feel like I missed October as it blended into November when suddenly, everyone asked me what I was going to do for my birthday. Twenty-Nine. Holy hell. I'm entering my final year of my 20s. What does that even mean?

Ask anyone my age or younger and they'll practically have a panic attack thinking about turning 30. I experienced a (former) loved one turning 30 a few years ago. It was a painful experience... For me. You'd think he was told that he was literally going to be murdered on his 30th birthday. No jokes could be made and no mentions of his upcoming age change were allowed to be spoken out loud. It was ridiculous. Turning another year older is this huge fear that people in their 20s seem to have. For me, I quickly panic when I remember that my mother had a house, 2 kids, and a husband by the time she had hit 29. She also was incredibly successful in her job and had her own side business doing hula shows with her best friend (you guys know my mom is a BAMF, right?). Guys. I can barely remember to take my vitamins or take my laundry out of the dryer, how the hell did all these other people get their shit together by 29? Did I miss that part in life? DID I PASS GO?! (Who wants to play monopoly? Does anyone have that cool Harry Potter or Zelda monopoly cause I would 100% be down. Someone please play board games with me.)

Ask anyone older than me and they will tell you how amazing their 30s have been. "30s are the new 20s" or something equally as cliche. I haven't had one person over the age of 30 tell me they wished they were in their 20s again. And let me tell you... I believe them.

I don't even know what to comment on first here. My dad's outfit, my dress, my mullet, those cubby baby arm rolls, the fact that I barely know how to walk but I'm drinking beer?
When you're a teenager, you have this weird knowledge. You're very well aware that you're not an adult yet but you're really pissed off about that fact so you act like you know literally everything about everything. All the time. Therefore, you're the coolest person evvvvvvvver. Except that you're really not and deep down you know that so you over compensate by being a dick (Note: I'd like to take this moment to deeply apologize to any adult who knew teenaged Lauren. I am so sorry you had to deal with the poorly done makeup, bad fashion choices, general emo attitude, and literally my entire existence. Now that I have gotten the opportunity to know teenagers... I am so sorry) Your 20s? That's an entirely different ballpark. Except it's not a different ballpark at all. You just think it is. In fact, it's basically like the Oakland coliseum. Your teenaged years are baseball season at the coliseum and your 20s are football season. It's literally the exact same place, you just made it look different. When you turn 20, you're no longer a ~teenager~. You're a grown up who can make grown up choices. I would rather go back to being a teenager than ever go back to my early 20s. The years of 100% knowing everything because I'm an adult so I know everything you can't treat me like a teenager anymore cause I'm not (Note Take Two: Again, super sorry to anyone who knew early 20s Lauren. My makeup may have been better - fashion still wasn't - but man. So sorry again. I have no idea how any of you are still around). But once you get over the "I know everything and I'll just sit here and roll my eyes at you" phase of your life, you finally start figuring shit out.

I have grown more between the ages of 25 and 29 than I ever have in my entire life. And here's the thing. No one ever tells you about that. No one ever talks about the things you learn during this time of your life. These past 4 years of my life have been the biggest, most insane roller coaster I have ever been on. I fell in love, lost a lot of friends, found a career I really enjoy, had many friends get married, had many friends have babies, grew apart from some people while growing closer to others, had my heart shattered to pieces, grew incredibly cynical and hateful but worked myself out of it, and so much more. My mind boggles when thinking about how much I've changed. If you know me, you know I don't like cliche sayings. "Everything is always changing" blah blah blah bite me. But... I guess cliches are cliches for a reason. You are truly always changing and always becoming a (hopefully) better version of yourself. That's what I've learned you should strive for in your life.

So this is my lifetime movie message to you on my 29th birthday. Don't be afraid of the future. Welcome it. Because you have two choices for tomorrow. You can get older and make the best of your life. Or you can, ya know, be dead. Make your choice.
#tbt #takemeback
"Carpe Diem. Cause tomorrow, you might be dead!" - Buffy Summers (guys, I'm still Lauren)

**For a slightly different change of pace, check out my blog from my 28th birthday where I go over the 28 things I learned in 28 years. They still hold true (still hate Birks).**