Tuesday, January 31, 2017

January: Abridged.

Why January 2017 Didn't Suck



Oh January, how I have waited for you. I spent most of 2016 wishing for you to show your hope filled, lovely face. I yearned for your arrival for months. I counted down the days and agonized over all the things I was definitely going to do to better myself once you came because you can't welcome something like the month of January without promises of renewal. And here you are. I welcomed you while dying from a cold, but it's whatever. You're finally here. And as with most things that are highly anticipated, you kind of did suck.

I'm not here for the suckage. There's hundreds of articles across the internet that will tell you why January 2017 has been awful. If you're here, reading this, it's because you need a break from that awfulness. In the end, you have to make sure that you take care of yourself and take a break so that you can fight the good fight. Please remember that. 

In January, I went on an 8 mile hike with Jessica because we got a little lost and our shoes got really muddy and we definitely finagled our way over more than one fallen tree (Kila still doesn't understand why we didn't just go under like her 10lb self did). I dove, head first, into going back to the gym, just like everyone else and I'm taking my first aerial silks class tonight. Kaitlin and I saw an awful horror movie (our favorite kind!) that I inaccurately called "The Buh Bye Man", which, looking back, it really does sound a lot better than "The Bye Bye Man" and what kind of evil spirit even calls itself that anyway? I started a brand new journal, read 3 books, baked one dessert, and only had to clean up one instance of Harley puke. January has felt so long and yet so incredibly short.
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Favorite Movie Watched: Vanilla Sky
During my younger years, I had an intense Tom Cruise phase. I had watched all of his movies at an incredibly young age (I still need to re-watch Eyes Wide Shut because I have a feeling that 11 year old Lauren missed a lot). Vanilla Sky is something I vaguely remember watching in theaters, back in the days where Athena and I saw every single movie that came out. I vaguely remembered the plot of the movie (and I somewhat remembered the twist, which it turned out I was wrong about). I re-watched it this month. And all I have to say, is fuck everyone, this movie was great. It had me on the edge of my seat. Admittedly, the end of the film was disappointing, however, the rest of the film more than made up for it, in my opinion.

Vanilla Sky is about a man named David (Tom Cruise) who apparently is super awesome and everyone loves him. His BFF Brian (Jason Lee) brings over a hot girl (Penelope Cruz) he met at a bookstore (why can't I meet a great guy at a bookstore?) to David's birthday party. David, being the dick he is, steals away Sophia (hot girl), even though he has his very own stalker girl (Cameron Diaz) who would do anything for him. David wants Sophia. The next morning, he gets in a car with Julia (stalker girl) and there's a horrible car accident that disfigured him. Then... it gets real foggy. You know what, just watch the trailer below and then watch the movie. If you hate it SO MUCH and you can't forgive me, I'll buy you dinner.

Actually, I'll just ignore you because you clearly have awful taste in movies.

----

Favorite Book: The Girl in the Spider's Web
Have you read The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and the subsequent books? If the answer is no, go out and read them right now. They're fantastic. I ate up the first 3 books like it was Taco Time. The writing, the characters, the plot line, the character development, the mystery... Everything was just so perfectly woven together in some of the best writing I've ever experienced in my life.

Then comes, The Girl in the Spiders Web. Unfortunately, Stieg Larsson passed away before the 4th book was written. David Lagercrantz was slotted to take the wheel for this one. While it was very clearly written by another person, this book just sucked me back into the Dragon Tattoo having world.

This book follows one story line: A computer scientist is murdered in his own home. The only witness is his autistic son (who, coincidentally, is a savant). Blomkvist is going through a mid-life crisis (one that I assume all print media people are going through at this very moment) and he is the one person that Balder (aforementioned scientist) wanted to speak to before his death. Balder had been working on something and apparently the wrong sorts of people wanted this information. Of course, when Blomkvist is roped in, the Queen of Badass, Lisbeth Salendar is roped in as well. Blah blah blah go read this fucking series. Seriously, what else are you doing? Reading 50 Shades of Grey?

Pros:
  • If you're a huge fan of the series, everyone makes a re-appearance and you get to learn more about Lisbeth's past (which is my favorite part).
  • The plot line is still well done and well thought out. It's all incredibly believable with that necessary hint of action and drama that (probably) doesn't happen in the real world. 
  • No one changes (in a bad way). All characters are still very close to the versions that Larsson had originally written. Characters do things that are in character for them.
  • The characters that are new, are still incredibly complex and realistic. I think one of the best things about this series is how realistic the characters are and how they act within their character.
  • THERE'S GOING TO BE MORE
Cons:
  • My only real con is that there are so many point of views. I had trouble keeping up with who was speaking and who's point of view I was seeing from. I also had trouble remembering whose eyes I was seeing out of in that specific chapter. I couldn't remember the characters because they kept shifting around so much.
  • More questions than answers. Balls.
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Favorite Show: The Good Place and Sherlock
I couldn't choose, I'm sorry. I didn't discover either show in this month but I did binge watch both of them to catch up this month.


The Good Place. 
This is a new comedy from NBC starring Kristen Bell. I had no idea what the show was about but Bell is the perfect woman and can do no wrong. While The Good Place isn't an Emmy winning show that is going to blow your mind, it's a great comedy with a great story line and it has incredibly well written (and acted) characters. The whole idea is that after you die, you go to 1 of 2 places. You can go to The Good Place, where life is all puppies and rainbows (or whatever you're into) for eternity. Or you go to The Bad Place, which is eternity of torture and horribleness. Bell's character, Elenor, was mistakenly sent to The Good Place when she clearly should have gone to The Bad Place. Hilarity ensues as she attempts to first, hide the fact of who she is, and second, tries to become a good person in order to earn her spot in The Good Place. My swaying opinion on this was due to the fact that all people who listen to (and like) the Red Hot Chili Peppers automatically go to the bad place. It makes sense.

---

Sherlock.
I don't even know why I'm writing about this show because you should already be watching it. Sherlock is, hands down, one of the best shows in the entire world. They have taken Sherlock Holmes and thrown him into the 21st century, equipped with a cell phone and a blog. Sherlock has taken on a much sassier 'tude with old school cases. Watching an hour and a half of Sherlock is always mentally draining for me. I try to infiltrate Sherlock's brain and figure everything out along with him. I don't think I've ever failed so hard in my life (unless we're talking about my love life -insert audience laughter here-). This season is very different from all the previous seasons, which has made fans choose a side. There's the original Sherlock with little action and more brain power or there's the new Sherlock with a lot of action and still a lot of brain power. The last episode has been my absolute favorite episode of Sherlock ever.

Besides, I'm always a sucker for a good villain.

(No spoilers... I just threw in a season 1 trailer to intrigue all of you)

----
This month was insane for me. I am currently made up of at least 90% stress and 10% sass. I've spent the month trying to learn more about myself through writing, reading, tarot, and long baths. I've learned that self care is incredibly important but, dammit, I don't have time for any of this right now. With work being as hectic as it is and the daylight ending at 5:30pm each day, it feels like a storm has run through my life, attempting to upend my sanity. Sure, the first 31 days have had me spinning, but I'm going to figure this whole "adult" thing out and I thank you for joining me on this. 

Do you have any great ideas to de-stress on a busy schedule? Also, why do you hate Vanilla Sky? 

- so I can sigh eternally -

 lauren.

Friday, January 13, 2017

Mr. Robot. "Zer0-day.avi"


Mr. Robot has taught me a lot of beautiful things. Most importantly, I am hella smart and I should always trust my awesome smartness skills. I also learned how to cover up finger prints and that if I commit a crime, I shouldn't post it on Twitter.

If you're questioning if you should watch Mr. Robot or not, you should. Also, you really shouldn't be here if you've never watched Mr. Robot because this is literally the last episode of season one's recap. So if you're here, and still wonder, you're dumb, go away.

I totally look at walls like that too, dude.
  1. Half of me doesn't know if I want to watch this last episode or not. Maybe I don't ever want to know if Christian Slater is really real. Maybe I've created a beautiful Mr. Robot inside my head. MAYBE I CAN'T HANDLE THIS. 
  2. Okay. I'm cool now. Mostly because I want to see what happens with Tyrell. How did this piece of shit become one of my favorite characters?
  3. I kind of hate myself.
  4. Oh hey, it's that guy that Elliott stole the dog from. The cheating piece of poop. CPP for short.
  5. Yeah, I'd call myself Michael too if my real name was Lenny.
  6. CPP reached out to his side piece (ex-side piece) because he has cancer and is dying? Gross.
  7. LOL OH WAIT, he doesn't even have cancer and he's not dying. He literally made that up. This CPP gets worse every second.
  8. Lol. Okay. As a person who works in Fraud, I get that I shouldn't be okay with Elliott hacking people. And I do get why CPP would go to the cops about this. But at the same time, YOU'RE A CHEATING PIECE OF POOP. You do not deserve to be treated like an innocent. 
  9. I cannot stop laughing about this guy. He is acting like such a victim. No, dude. Actions have consequences. You constantly played women and now you messed with the wrong woman and she had people who fought back against you. 
  10. This guy is all "Elliott ruined my life!" No. Dude. What are you not understanding? You cheated on your wife with SEVERAL women over the course of YEARS. And a guy who outed you is the bad guy? He's the one who ruined your life? Yeah, fuck off.
    "Hmmm, what you're saying is right but you're a horrid person so...."
  11. I need to go on a quick rant real quick to call out everyone who pulls shit like this. "So-and-so ruined my life." I'm going to guess that your own actions ruined your own life. That's how life works. Yeah, there are exceptions to the rule, but I promise you probably are not the exception to the rule.
  12. Back to the show.
  13. I hope the psychologist lady doesn't help this CPP
  14. She doesn't have to tell you shit. Let me explain this to you again. You. Are. A. Piece. Of. Poop. You are scum. 
  15. "We were a good thing!" HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA this guy should straight up be a fucking COMEDIAN. Your ENTIRE relationship was a lie. You didn't even tell her your real name. I cannot with this scene anymore.
  16. You are trying to reminisce with one of your many side pieces. 
  17. YAASSS! The Psychologist ain't helping this CPP. Good Girl.
  18. Real talk: who goes into their house without turning on any lights? People in movies and shows do this so often. They just CHILL in the dark and wonder why they get murdered and/or kidnapped.
  19. Did I miss something? I feel like I really missed something.
  20. I didn't skip an episode did I?
  21. "Who am I?" LOL Elliott. None of us know that answer. Ask Christian Slater.
  22. You're 1 Part Remi Malek and 1 part Christian Slater. 
  23. No really. I'm so confused.
  24. Haha! Elliott no longer trusts his own brain. Same, Elliott, same.
  25. Angela found a new job pretty quickly. That's not really how the real working world works but okay.
  26. Oh wait... Did she accept the Evil Corp job? Is that what this place is?
  27. HOW MUCH TIME HAS GONE BY SINCE THE LAST EPISODE GUYS I AM SO FREAKING LOST
  28. Fsociety even has a buzzfeed article. That means they're legit.
  29. Unless you're Trump. Then Fsociety is not legit.
  30. Is my blog going to be shut down now?
  31. Oh hey. We have those exact same conference chairs. Good taste, Gideon.
    Fancy. Especially for a company that's going down.
  32. "Ever since I started this company, it feels like I've just been rearranging chairs on the Titanic." Dude. This is literally how I feel about being an adult. This is so tragically beautiful. 
  33. Every time I hear 401k, I get a stress stomachache.
  34. I need to take this time to thank Tech Companies, like the one I work for, for not forcing a lame ass boring dress code.
  35. I hope Tyrell isn't dead.
  36. Never thought I'd say that, did you?
  37. "So this is what a revolution looks like? People in expensive clothing running around?" Yup. 
  38. Oh there's Tyrell. He's running fsociety now?
  39. I dislike Robin Hood storylines. Not because I don't believe in them, but just because they pull at me morally. The part of met hat was raised to work hard for my money says to let people fend for themselves. The part of me that is a decent human being, who realizes that shit happens, loves Robin Hood storylines.
  40. But also. Tyrell is rich?
  41. So why does he care?
  42. I'm going to skip over the part with the dogs and the euthanizing thing kthanx.
  43. Why are fires so pretty?
  44. I swear I'm not a pyro.
  45. YAS SHE'S SETTING ALL THE DOGS FREE!! Fuck shelters who kill dogs for space though. But super fuck people who adopt dogs without realizing what it takes to be a dog owner.
  46. Mail Order Bride and Elliott finally meet. I didn't know I wanted this to happen so badly.
  47. She probably can hear your thoughts, Elliott. She's crazy. So crazy. Possibly more crazy than you are.
  48. This entire scene is so crazy and so awesome.
  49. The background music is just SO ON POINT. They killed this scene. I am so creeped out and I love it.
  50. "That's an interesting question." Aka: I'm not answering this and I'm going to change the subject now.
  51. I feel for those people who have to make public statements and answer questions like this. He wasn't the only person to make decisions and he isn't the one who causes people to go into debt but he'll be the face of it and he has to figure out how to phrase stuff on the fly.
  52. If only all people in these types of situations and interviews were this honest.
  53. Wait... Is he only being honest cause he's going to kill - Yup... He just killed himself.
  54. I feel like there would be more brain chunks on the back window? Just sayin.
  55. It is confirmed. Angela did accept the Evil Corp job.
  56. All I have to say is wow. Even if she's there as part of the revenge plan. Still wow.
  57. Evil Corp should at least buy Angela a new pair of shoes. A pair that doesn't have dead guy on  them.
  58. "Hi, you should go home after this traumatic experience. But do note, there's a super important conference that's going to happen and if you're not there, you might get fired." That's pretty much the gist of this scene.
  59. LOL the way he handled the shoes... Gave her money and said "you need some new shoes. Those won't do anymore."
  60. ELLIOTT YOU ARE MR. ROBOT YOU KNOW WHAT HE KNOWS
  61. This is a video of him falling off the boardwalk. Except he's by himself, of course.
  62. I missed your face, Christian Slater.
  63. This shoe salesman is AWFUL. I mean. He's right. Angela is there buying shoes after she was just in the same room, watching a guy kill himself. But he's also a customer service representative. Don't be in customer service if you want to be honest. 
  64. And now he straight up called her COLD. Damn.
  65. "Have some moral fiber and leave their asses." And become a shoe salesman like you? lol.
    I kind of like the blood splatter shoes though?
  66.   DAMN GIRL. YOU TELL HIM. 
  67. Elliott. You can't try to fight Christian Slater in public because AS I HAVE ALREADY SAID, YOU ARE CHRISTIAN SLATER
  68. It's like Fight Club.
  69. "I reccomend you get one of those bluetooth headsets, that way everyone think you're the local douche" I love you Christian Slater.
  70. It's a true testament to society. Elliott gets knocked out and some loser is video taping it. He's probably putting it on snapchat.
  71. HOLY SHIT NO. Please tell me that Elliott and Evil Corp didn't make a pact, right? Cause guy from Smashed is acting way too confident that they'll be okay...
  72. "Don't talk your way out of a compliment." THANK. YOU. This goes out to all those girls who say "OH M GEEEEEEE NOOOOO. I DO NOT LOOK PRETTY TODAY I AM SO FAT AND I LOOK SO UGLY AND I LOOK LIKE SHIT UGGGGH" but they really want you to keep telling them how pretty they are.
  73. I hate you.
  74. That's genius. They're throwing a party at their arcade so that there are finger prints everywhere. That is so much simpler than wiping everything down and possibly missing something.
  75. I'll remember this in the future.
  76. Just kidding.
  77. ...
  78. :)
  79. Imagine how beautiful Times Square would be without any people in it.
    The only way I would visit this place. When it's empty.
  80. How insane is Elliott?
  81. On a scale of 1 to 10?
  82. BUT WAIT WHERE IS TYRELL
  83. I hate that I actually care.
  84. Also, the dog still hasn't pooped out that computer part, has he?
  85. Are you serious right now?
  86. That's the ending?
  87. That's the finale of season 1?
  88. Fuck all of you.

Thursday, January 12, 2017

Mr. Robot. "m1rr0r1ng.qt"

I told all of you, dammit. 
How many times is Elliott going to throw himself out/off things?
  1. Alright. I'm ready to continue with this mindfuck.
  2. Whoa. Asshole dude. If your "retarded" nephew could do the same job as Mr. Robot, why not have him do it?
  3. That's the type of stuff that retail workers live to say.
  4. I love flashbacks because they always have to throw something dumb in there. Like when Cal tells Rose that Monet will never amount to anything in Titanic. Christian Slater just said, "Oh Pulp Fiction. Never heard of it." Lol.
  5. I miss the days of checking movie times in the newspaper.
    Also, a time when $20 could cover going to the movies.
  6. "Even though what you did was wrong, you're still a good kid". I like this. Too many kids do something wrong and they're yelled at and told they're naughty. The kid isn't necessarily just a naughty kid. They're most likely a great kid who just did something wrong and I wish parents would take the time to tell their kids that. They don't need to grow up simply thinking, "I'm a bad kid... I'm a bad person."
  7. Elliott 100% has full right to want to kick Christian Slaters' ass. IF Christian Slater is actually there and NOT A FIGMENT OF HIS BATSHIT IMAGINATION! (which, we all know that he is)
  8. Theoretically, if Elliott's dad didn't die though, what is he fighting for?
  9. This entire thing was a revenge kick.
  10. So now what would it be?
  11. (Again, assuming that Christian Slater is actually real WHICH HE ISN'T)
  12. It is nice hearing Elliott have some real emotions though.
  13. Ahhh we're getting all into the whole notion that "they" want you to forget so "they" put you on meds.
  14. Y'all know I'm not a fan of meds... but sometimes they're necessary.
  15. Especially when you're seeing your dead father everywhere.
  16. JUSTIN IS BACK (Queer as Fold guy and Gideon's Boyfriend)
  17. Breakfast. In. Bed. I want a gay boyfriend.
  18. Failures still eat breakfast, Justin.
  19. Angela just walked into the lawyers office and expected a job? Okay
  20. She also really didn't think about how she won't be able to get a job after she confesses to her "role" in the hack?
  21. Can I take a minute to remind everyone that Christian Slater told Elliott that he's not allowed to have Darlene's phone number saved in his phone? If she really is his sister, wouldn't it be more sketchy that her number wasn't saved? Also, why doesn't Angela have Darlene's number? Aren't they best buds?
  22. Angela just pulled the number one "I'm an only child" sign. She assumed that because Darlene and Elliott aren't close, that Darlene doesn't care at all about Elliott. SWEETHEART. That is NOT how sibling relationships work. My sister could call me up to hide a dead body right now and I'd show up.
  23. ... not that she would.
  24. ... there isn't currently a dead body to hide.
  25. ... please move along.
  26. I'm with Angela on this one. If you guys want her help so badly, you really have to give her a hint about what's going on.
  27. Little Elliott's "games" are about statistical probability. Children are weird. 
  28. I want to hear more about this piece of shit mother though. IF Christian Slater really IS real (which he isn't), why would he leave his children to deal with her?
  29. Tyrell and badass mail order bride had their baby! That's gonna be one fucked up child.
    She's telepathically communicating with the child on how she's going to help him take over the world.
  30. Mail Order Bride was a teen mom who gave her baby up for adoption. She just became more of a badass to me. She's a tough broad. I cannot WAIT to see her development on this show.
  31. That baby is super cute though.
  32. Ugh. Baby fever.
  33. The drive that showed exactly who helped to corrupt All Safe was destroyed... Of course.
  34. Everyone knows that Tyrell killed the CTOs wife.
  35. Literally everyone.
  36. Can't tell if this boss is trying to buddy up or if he's the only person who doesn't find Tyrell creepy.
  37. LOL Tyrell got fired.
  38. Good call.
  39. However, firing him will definitely look even more suspicious to the cops.
  40. Which, I mean, he did do it so that's good but still. If the boss had a notion that Tyrell wasn't guilty, he just made sure that the cops look at him.
  41. I didn't see Tyrell as the begging type... But here he is.
  42. Now I see why mail order bride is in charge.
  43. Hmmm... Is Tyrell part of Christian Slater's group?
  44. Elliott has been crazy his entire life.
  45. Does anything actually exist?
  46. Is Elliott in an asylum? A la, Buffy season 6 "Normal Again"?
  47. Do I even exist?
  48. Why does everyone on this show use headphones when they're the only ones around?
  49. So the new family who lives in Elliott's house just leave their doors unlocked?
  50. Where do these people live?
    Where is this? I actually would like to go there.
  51. Every show I watch usually has a cemetery in it.
  52. Totally cool with that.
  53. UM.
  54. UM.
  55. YOU MOTHERFUCKERS CHRISTIAN SLATER DOESN'T FUCKING EXIST
  56. I FUCKING KNEW IT
  57. I SWEAR TO GOD I AM LISTENING TO MY INTUITION FOREVER NOW
  58. UGGGGGGGGGH
  59. I TOLD YOU
  60. I TOLD ALL OF YOU
  61. GODDAMMIT
  62. I AM SO ANGRY HAPPY RIGHT NOW
  63. I am so happy that I was RIGHT. But so angry that this show made me second guess myself.
  64. "You knew all along, didn't you?" YEAH ELLIOTT I FUCKING DID CHECK MY BLOG
  65. "I think I'm pretty fucking far from okay". Dude. Yeah. Dude... yeah.
  66. Angela. Don't. "I wish I could talk to my mom again." I get what you're trying to say. But no. Such an inappropriate statement right now. 
    "How many times do we have to tell Elliott that he's crazy? Ball park?"
  67. Now still wondering if I'm a figment of Elliott's imagination.
  68. Ugh. Why is Terry Colby at Angela's house?
  69. I hate the smirk that guys who THINK they've won get. Think being the key word.
  70. Terry Colby wants Angela to work for Evil Corp? Where's the string?
  71. "We started a rainy day fun" - the fun is roughly $500 million. Can I have that rainy day fund?
  72. "If you want to change things, perhaps you should start from within." This show has some cliche ass advice but it's cliche'd for a reason.
  73. I don't like Darlene but I 'm tolerant of her now that I know they're not endgame.
  74. So who is Tyrell in all of this?
  75. Ugh. He's putting on those gloves he wears when he beats the shit out of a poor homeless man.
  76. I don't know who is more crazy. Tyrell or Elliott.
  77. Possibly Elliott since he's showing Tyrell the secret arcade lair.
  78. "I wanted to save the world". Adorable, Elliott.

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Mr. Robot. "wh1ter0se.m4v"

Anyone else see the parrot? Or is this some bullshit Christian Slater parrot?
  1. Oh PUHLEZE. Darlene is hooking up with a rich guy. Uh-huh.
  2. She's going to have that entire "misunderstood girl" storyline down, isn't she?
  3. I spend 99% of my time with Mr. Robot wondering what the fuck all the female characters are wearing. Who is the stylist on this show and can they be fired?
  4. This rich guy claims to be smart but he "hides" his safe code right next to his safe?
  5. Of course Angela takes a ballet class. And still answers phone calls from her boring ex.
    Darlene's face is all of us right now.
  6. Wait. Do these two girls know each other?
  7. Seeing you is never a silver lining, Darlene.
  8. Secret: I always wanted to be a ballerina.
  9. How many people have concealed weapon on the subway at any given moment? Probably a lot.
  10. I want to theorize who "white rose" is but I've already theorized enough to the internet and APPARENTLY I WAS WRONG.
  11. So nope. Not even going there.
  12. Wait. Elliott and Darlene don't have each others' numbers?
  13. Who hides a handgun in popcorn? If the popcorn box gets too hot...
  14. If Christian Slater was real, wouldn't "white rose" want to speak to him?
  15. YEAH THAT'S WHAT I FREAKING THOUGHT
  16. Theory is back on.
  17. Tyrell is insane. More so than usual. GUESS THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU STRANGLE A WOMAN TO DEATH.
  18. All the words Gideon is using... is a "honey pot" an actual term?
  19. "You have our full attention"... except for the phone in my pocket that's not on silent even though I'm in a very important meeting.
  20. Okay but why haven't we heard anything about the dead woman?
  21. Also, if he has his own office, why does he use headphones?
  22. Oh... they JUST now found the body.
    Yeah. You're fucked.
  23. Tyrell isn't being shady af. He's telling the cops to schedule an appointment to talk about a murder? LOL.
  24. Boring ex-boyfriend is still employed?
  25. HEY BRO
  26. That's right. Boring ex-boyfriend is my bro man.
  27. DON'T DO IT ELLIOTT
  28. Why are you taking orders from this douche?
  29. LOLOLOLOL This boring ex-boyfriend LITERALLY works for a security company but he sent an email to his ex-girlfriend that LITERALLY says "THIS ENTIRE HACK WAS YOUR FAULT" hahahahahahhahahahahahahhahahaha STOP he cannot be that stupid.
  30. Why are you trying to wash the spilled coffee out with dish soap?
  31. Do they not have Tide where you come from, Mail Order Bride?
  32. Actually... They probably don't. I'm sorry.
  33. Just realized that boring ex-boyfriend's name is Ollie. Hahahaha
  34. Angela just threatened to give up on Elliott. Okay. I'm done with her.
  35. The scenes that Elliott and Angela are in are all incredibly boring.
  36. Not gonna get over how some guy thinks that he's a badass by giving himself the nickname "white rose".
  37. Well damn. White Rose isn't someone we've met before? That would have been a fun twist.
  38. Also, White Rose isn't a dude?
    Did I start watching Breaking Bad?
  39. White Rose is all I want to be in the world though. So blunt. So beautiful.
  40. STILL DON'T KNOW WTF A HONEY POT IS
  41. I LOVE White Rose. Such a bitch.
  42. "We're all living in one anothers paranoia". Accurate.
  43. I literally have the same conversations in my head that Elliott is having right now. He's talking himself into just calming down and making your brain chill instead of constantly be anxious. IS THAT A THING PEOPLE CAN DO?!
  44. Gideon better not die.
  45. But he's too smart to live.
  46. "What the shit" is a phrase that shouldn't be around.
  47. Yeah, it's not hella suspicious that Elliott is the only person not in the room with the entire company while there's a hack by fsociety.
  48. See. Gideon noticed.
  49. He knows dude. 
  50. Can someone please message me and tell me WHAT THE FUCK a honey pot is?!
  51. OH
  52. MY
  53. GOD
  54. TYRELL AND CHRISTIAN SLATER ARE IN IT TOGETHER?!
  55. Welp. I guess there goes my freaking theory.
  56. So is Tyrell like... a good guy?
  57. Obviously not actually good because he's a terrible fucking person.
  58. YEAH TYRELL. The cops will come to you when there was a FUCKING MURDER.
  59. You're so shady.
  60. The mail order bride is so much smarter than her husband.
  61. I mean like. Of course she is.
  62. "I happen to be really smart and good at things. Not like you give a shit." This is why no one likes you, Darlene.
  63. Don't count your chickens, Elliott.
  64. Darlene would be that really annoying chick who yells and screams when she's excited.
  65. Darlene telling Elliott that he's the best person she knows is not like, a real compliment. I feel like she doesn't know many people.
  66. Oh Elliott. You kissed Darlene. Gross.
  67. Wait. What?
  68. I'M SO CONFUSED.
  69. Oh. Oh. Uh. What? Darlene is Elliott's sister?
  70. THAT MEANS THEY DON'T END UP TOGETHER THANK THE LORD
  71. Wow. Elliott...
  72. Oh man. My entire brain is going CRAZY right now. I have so many freaking theories. Holy shit.
  73. I'm buzzing with ideas. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh
  74. WHEN HE WAS LOOKING IN THE MIRROR HE SAW CHRISTIAN SLATER MY THEORY IS STILL ON GODDAMMIT
  75. Now Angela and Darlene being friends makes more sense.
  76. Oh hey, Elliott. You don't exist.
  77. Shocking.
  78. Has his dog pooped out that chip yet?
  79. Just wondering.
  80. WHAT
  81. WHAT
  82. OKAY WHAT
  83. One of two things...
  84. Either I was right and Christian Slater and Elliott are the same person cause Elliott is CLEARLY batshit insane
  85. OR
  86. Christian Slater is Elliott's Dad
  87. OOOOOOR
  88. NEW THIRD OPTION
  89. Elliott is still batshit and Christian Slater is a figment of his imagination (and is also his dad).
  90. Fuck.

Friday, January 6, 2017

Resolutions are stupid... And here are mine.

I have always been the cynic that thinks new years resolutions are stupid. "New Year, New Me!" Just because we've moved from December 31 -INSERT OLD YEAR HERE- to January 1st -INSERT NEW YEAR HERE-, doesn't mean that anything is really different. The calories from that 5th donut you ate on December 31st will still exist on January 1st. The alcohol you drowned 2016 in will cause your hangover in 2017.

If you want to make a change in your life, you should do it immediately. Waiting doesn't usually work, trust me. Waiting a few weeks (or months) to change something will usually force you to put it off even more. "Well, I've already said I was going to start working out on Monday and it's Friday so maybe I'll just do it next Monday" and so on until you realize that you've been paying for a gym membership for 2 years without using it once.

Then I started really thinking about everything. The things I wanted to change in my life. Ways I wanted to recover from "The Year We Do Not Speak Of". I've been sucked in, dammit. I've made 3 New Years Resolutions and me writing this is actually one of them. I'm going to let you know what the resolutions are and how I firmly believe I am going to keep them. Wish me luck. And give me shit when you know I need it.

Lauren's Ultra-Lame Conformist New Years Resolutions


  1. No using my phone while driving - I would like to start out this post by shamelessly calling out people over the age of 50. People over the age of 50 constantly complain about us "young kids" being on our phones all the time, including when we're driving. I commute approximately 2.5 hours each day and most people I see on their phones are people over the age of 50 (or people who look over the age of 50). So let's just say that we all do it and it's a shitty thing to do and we should really stop doing it. I text while driving, I look at Instagram/Facebook while at stop lights, and I use WAZE while driving. But I'm not going to anymore because I do not want to be responsible for killing (or even just injuring) an innocent human being (or animal!!) with my stupidity. How am I going to help achieve this? As previously stated, I have a long ass commute Monday - Friday. Podcasts have been my new buddy. When I get in the car in the morning, I throw on the Podcast playlist. I have a device (not this but similar) where I can mount my phone on my dashboard. That's where my phone goes. I also put my phone on "Do Not Disturb" as an added measure. Whenever I hear my text message ring tone, I'm too curious not to look at it. "Do Not Disturb" ensures that if my mom (or other family members... Or Jessica) calls with an emergency, I can answer it. Otherwise, it's not important. 
    Completely unrelated side note... Who is this man?!
  2. Write More - Writing has always been an outlet and a passion for me. I've always said that if I could just get one good idea, such as "The Boy Who Lived", I would be set. Unfortunately, that one good idea hasn't struck yet and while I have a few novel ideas set up in my head, I've never really fleshed them out. I don't even know if that's something I plan on doing this year. But what I do plan on doing is writing more, in general. I have an idea for this blog, but revealing it is more commitment than I'm ready for so instead... How am I going to achieve this? Every Sunday morning, after I wake up, brush my teeth (because I cannot do a single thing without brushing my teeth first thing in the morning), wash my face, and make my bed, I am going to write in my journal. About anything. I'll sit down with my coffee, my journal, a pen, and probably my shadow next to me (aka: Harley), and write. I have a journal jar and a "Book of Questions" (written in the mid-90s that I found at my parents cabin). I'm set. Maybe this time next year, I'll be telling you about how I'm actually writing my first novel. (lol)
  3. Save. Money. - I have a problem, guys. I love shopping. Over the years, I have gotten a lot better about "do I really need this?" but it's still pretty bad. Would you like an example? I have 27 books on my shelf that I have not read yet. Last year, I read 25 books. This is insane. Why do I keep buying books? (Jessica, I understand that you don't believe that book buying is a problem and that buying books shouldn't be part of that whole "shopaholic" thing I have going on. You're not going to tempt me she-devil go away). Sephora is the worst thing in the entire world. When did Sephora open? I don't remember Sephora when I was in high school or even college, actually. (Fun Fact: It was started in 1970 so I'm just really dumb). I am a Rogue Member (that means I spend at least $1k per year at Sephora) and I seriously have a problem. I currently have 6 different eyeshadow palettes (this doesn't include the individual eyeshadows I own), 21 different lipsticks, 3 highlighting palettes (not including my favorite Armani highlighter), and then there's everything else in my collection. My closet is over flowing and I have more shoes than I actually wear. How am I going to achieve this? I made an excel spreadsheet with a list of all of my bills that I pay monthly as well as my monthly income. My goal is to eventually save an entire paycheck a month, but I'm currently paying off all the Christmas Presents that are still sitting on my credit cards. Also, some of my hilariously wonderful co-workers are also trying to achieve a similar goal. We've created a little group where we are not allowed to spend "extra" money for 3 months. Food doesn't count and you're able to "replace" things (i.e. if you run out of foundation or hygienic products). Your monthly memberships don't count (i.e. Netflix and Gym Memberships) but you can't sign up for new things. If you fail, you have to come clean to the entire group.
So there you have it. My lame ass post about resolutions, despite opening up by saying that resolutions are dumb. If you need to save money too, let me know and I'll yell at you not to. I'm really good at yelling and I'm super great at guilt trips. In the end, you do you. If you want to have a resolution that you believe will make you a better, more amazing version of yourself, go for it. No matter what anyone says.

- so I can sigh eternally -

 lauren.

Thursday, January 5, 2017

Mr Robot. "v1ew-s0urse.flv"

I think that I had a mental breakdown during this episode. 

Elliott believes all female stereotypes. Where's the closeted lesbian?
  1. Elliott lives by a dim sum place? Ugh. That's all I would eat.
  2. Can someone get dim sum with me soon?
  3. I almost forgot that Shayla died :(
  4. I'll give you a pass this time, Elliott. You can do the drugs.
  5. Oh great. Another female character that I'm probably going to end up hating.
  6. Wait. Is this a flashback?
  7. What is going on?!
  8. Oh. It's a flashback. Dude. You can't just spring this on me. How could you do this to me?
  9. Elliott is so awkward. Just all the time. So awkward.
  10. I like Shayla. She's adorable. She seems to find the brightest side of everything. Like how Elliott doesn't like people, in general. And her response is that if he doesn't like anyone then when he does like one person, they must be incredible. You are correct, young, flashback, Shayla.
  11. They're playing The Cure for this flashback and that's the ONLY REASON I'm even 1/16th okay with this goddamn flashback.
  12. Elliott thinking about Shayla's death is making me more depressed than I already was. Which I wasn't sure was possible.
  13. I need a happy show next.
  14. "She wants more from me but she doesn't believe in me." AND HERE LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IS THE BASIS OF SO MANY DAMN RELATIONSHIPS AND WHY THEY FAIL.
  15. I should be a damn marriage counselor.
  16. Jk don't listen to me ever.
  17. ELLIOTT JUST SAY THINGS OUT LOUD UGH
  18. I don't want to be a psychologist but I want to like, listen in on sessions? Is that weird?
  19. Lawyer lady is actually going to help. Kinda shocked.
  20. How have I not noticed that Angela has TERRIBLE eyebrows? They're pretty bad.
  21. I always notice eyebrows. I must really hate her.
  22. OH RIGHT. Elliott still actually has a job.
    Gideon is going to die, isn't he?
  23. It's been a while since I saw the inside of this place.
  24. When your boss offers you time off, YOU TAKE IT
  25. I actually like that this boss has given legit, grown up advice during most of this show. He's the only rational human being in the Mr. Robot world. He tells Elliott "find someone you can be your honest self with". This is so beautiful and true.
  26. LOL OF COURSE ELLIOTT HATES THIS ADVICE. You're hopeless, kid.
  27. Awww... President Obama. I'm sad again.
    I blame you, Darlene.
  28. FUCK MY LIFE
  29. WHY IS CHRISTIAN SLATER TALKING TO DARLENE
  30. WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME
  31. I HATE THIS SHOW
  32. UGH
  33. FINE
  34. I WAS WRONG OKAY
  35. FUCK
  36. I AM SO MAD ABOUT THIS
  37. I just don't believe that Christian Slater is real. Ugh. 
  38. I hate you, Darlene. This is all your fault.
  39. ANYWAY
  40. Some guys' nickname is "white rose". Why?
  41. Ya know... Darlene is drunk. MAYBE Christian Slater still isn't real. idk.
  42. Awwwww. Elliott made a disc of Shayla and named it after The Cure song that was playing and now I'm sad again.
  43. See Elliott. You have feelings.
  44. Lol cute dog ate some computer part. That's going to be important later.
  45. HEY TYRELL
  46. I feel giddy every time that Tyrell shows up.
  47. Oh. We're being dicks about how a certain type of man thinks that all women sleep with men to get to the top. Classy. 
  48. And about how no one really loves their own children. Cool.
  49. What state does this take place in? Tyrell just fired 3 guys for shits and giggles. 
  50. OH HI CHRISTIAN SLATER. You traitor. 
  51. WHY ALL OF A SUDDEN?! I was hyper aware of no one talking to him. I'm so mad.
  52. The black guy is going to end up dead. Not because he's black but because he knows too much and is trying to walk away.
  53. No, you're the cute kind of crazy, Christian Slater.
  54. Less cute with a gun but still cute. 
  55. "I just want you to come back to the arcade with me so we can change the world together." I'm sure you say that to all the girls. I'd fall for it. 100%
  56. But real talk, arcade dates are the shit. These need to be a thing again.
  57. Why do rich white dudes have to have paintings of themselves on their walls?
  58. Also rich white dudes always believe that money trumps all. Thanks, mom and dad, for not raising me to be a dick.
  59. Angela. You really thought that Colby was going to talk to you and admit all his guilt in this? Cute.
  60. "Hot little thing"? HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
    All those books only have tips on how to sexualize women.
  61. Wow. Is it bad that I'm not at all shocked that Colby is asking Angela to "swallow up" his balls?
  62. I was going to repeat the things he was saying but nope. Not worth it. 
  63. The men on this show are kind of disgusting.
  64. Damn Angela. She just demanded respect from this piece of shit. I still do not like her but I now respect her.
  65. AND she got a legit interview with him because of it. You go girl. Do not swallow up his balls.
  66. Does Darlene own pants?
  67. Colby is such a dick. But, I believe him. And while I will never believe that the ends justify the means, I do believe that he has guilt for what he played a part in.
  68. The CTO who chewed out Tyrell is back. With his bombass wife.
  69. So excited for this interaction.
  70. Are you going to watch her pee again, Creep Tyrell?
  71. I can't figure out CTOs wife. Is she trying to flirt with Tyrell or is she a bombass bitch who's trying to fuck with his head? IDK.
  72. Oh yeah. Angela didn't think shit through again. If she testifies that she was the person who outed Colby, the company she works for is going down.
  73. So Tyrell is going to push CTOs wife off the roof, isn't he?
  74. Damn girl. "My husband is down stairs with the job you want and you're up here trying to fuck me."
  75. UGH. She really is flirting. Gross.
  76. Maybe she's going to throw him off the roof?
  77. Oh no. They're just going to have sex. Okay.
  78. JUST KIDDING, he's going to kill her.
  79. Jesus...
  80. Don't piss Tyrell off, people.
  81. The soundtrack says sex scene though.
  82. So my brain is real confused.
    "I wasn't prepared for this. Where is my wife? She's the only one allowed to think in this marriage."
  83. YEAH NOW WHAT TYRELL. NOW WHAT.
  84. Call your wife cause you do not have the balls or brains to figure out what to do next.
  85. Also, your DNA is alllllllllllllll over that woman.
  86. Don't you watch and crime shows?
  87. The Iranian girl (whose name we still don't know) just summed up so many Americans issues. Everyone is drowning in debt because everyone bought into the American dream that if you work hard enough, you're rewarded. Unfortunately, the world doesn't work that way anymore.
  88. Side note, this girl is insanely beautiful.
  89. LOL boring boyfriend is back. Or ex-boyfriend. Not be confused with my boring ex-boyfriend (you're welcome, Jess).
  90. Boring boyfriend should grow a beard. He might be attractive then. And also not look like he's 18.
  91. Wait. Didn't Elliott leave his therapist?
  92. Dude. Elliott. What are you doing? You're confessing to your therapist that you're STALKING HER.
  93. WHAT ARE YOU DOING
  94. JESUS ELLOT. THIS IS A DREAM RIGHT?
  95. YOU CAN'T JUST TELL PEOPLE THIS SHIT
  96. "I want a way out of loneliness". The amount of times that I relate to Elliott is utterly terrifying.