Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Mr. Robot. "ones-and-zer0es"

Let's jump right in.

  1. This Tyrell guy says "bonsoir" like it's a legitimate thing Americans do
  2. Tyrell's hair really bothers me. It's like a side mullet thing.
  3. "Annoying lawyers". Isn't that an oxymoron?
  4. Of course they'r asking Elliot to join their team. That's what they always do. Has anyone seen Anti Trust?
  5. He's gonna take it, isn't he?
  6. I like this whole "round table King Arthur" thing
  7. Okay so they are REALLY names Evil Corp?
  8. "What's the word in English?" Oh please, don't be a douche, you're American.
  9. Uh oh Elliot. You done fucked up.
  10. Still unsure about these music choices
  11. Is he gonna super hero the girl he sometimes sleeps with?
  12. He is. What a nice guy!
  13. Oh this guy harassing her was in a car with 3 other guys? What a sleezeball.
  14. I FORGOT HE STOLE THE DOG! So cute. I hope it doesn't die.
  15. Ugh. He's not really hacking Tyrell is he? We all know it's a trap.
  16. Yes he knew, dumbass. Yes he was waiting for you, moron. Omg. What a n00b.
  17. I'm legitimately so embarrassed for Elliot right now. Like come on. Tyrell and his buddies are high fiving over bud lights right now. Jesus.
  18. So dumb. I cannot.
  19. I promise that within that second, he already totally knows everything about you, Elliot.
  20. Start fires. Do drugs. Good plans.
  21. Yay! You got a raise, Eillot. Except of course, there's strings attached.
  22. "You're never sure about anything until there is something to be sure about." What?
  23. Oh shhhhhhhheeeeet. Gideon knows about fsociety. And they have way more information than they ever said.
  24. IS CHRISTIAN SLATER A BAD GUY?!
  25. lol I see you tried a 4chan type of mask/reveal 
    If Colonel Sanders and Guy Fawkes had a baby.
  26. Wait. Fsociety actually does seem really awful. You chose the wrong side, dude.
  27. "Please buy my new cd. It'll only cost you 20 likes." Oh how meta of you.
  28. Ew weird boyfriend and girl I don't like are back
  29. "Hey wanna be our 3rd wheel?"
  30. No
  31. Stop that, couples
  32. Just stop
  33. Oh god. Now we're talking about twitter followers? I'm hoping they're doing this to show how ridiculous society is. Then again, I feel like the morons who actually talk about twitter with other people aren't intelligent enough to watch this show, so there's that.
  34. #sorrynotsorry
  35. Is Christian Slater in your shower? Or is that just my fantasy?
  36. Dammit. No. It's the annoying hacker chick.
    The outfit screams "I totes don't care what you think about me, dude."
  37. "My dress has cum stains on it." Wow.
  38. Oh. It was a joke? Okay... Sure.
  39. lol Elliot has zero tact
  40. Hacker chick is dating a guy and he proposes to her so now she hates him?
  41. Blah blah blah a bitter ass chick who doesn't believe in love blah blah blah
  42. We've hit all our bases on stereotypical woman casting
  43. We have the boring, but cute girl that our leading man is in love with but she'll never openly be with him, she just loves the idea of him being in love with her.
  44. A drug addicted sexually open woman who is in love with the leading man, but he'll never love her, just have sex with her.
  45. A "bad ass" chick who's been done wrong by a man before and she no longer believes in love. She'll probably end up with the leading man at some point.
  46. "Does she see them too?" WAIT ARE WE NOT SURE THAT THESE MEN IN BLACK ARE REAL?!
  47. IS TYRELL REAL
  48. FUUUUUUUUUUUCK
  49. Oh man. If have to listen to this annoying Hacker Chick anymore, I'll kill myself.
  50. YAS CHRISTIAN SLATER IS BACK
  51. Annnnnnnd everyone is underestimating Tyrell. Bad move.
  52. I do like that Elliot has a moral compass. It's refreshing.
  53. Christian Slater is explaining things using popcorn. I only love this because I love him.
  54. Ooooooh buuuurn. Christian Slater called Elliot a "zero".
  55. Uh oh. Neighbors door is open. Bad news.
  56. She's dead isn't she
  57. She's totally dead
  58. Don't do meth kids
  59. OH THE DOG IS ALIVE OKAY GOOD
  60. That's really all I care about
  61. She's either dead or currently being gang banged
  62. Why does my head go to these places?
  63. I think I need professional help
  64. EATADICK6969 is both the best and worst password ever
  65. Also, of course his username is "bigpapi"
  66. I think he contacted me on OkCupid
  67. He pays for porn?
  68. What a n00b
  69. And he tweets about his crimes?! Why are people so dumb?!
    He texts "wyd" at midnight and if you don't respond, he shoots you. NBD.
  70. I've tried to react to this meth heads ramblings but it just makes me sad so I'm gonna just not
  71. Oh eh totes killed her
  72. Meth heads really have the worst rants
  73. "That girl in there is mine." The feminist in me has her claws out.
  74. "It's a smart time to be scared bro, and a stupid time." Whoa, so insightful meth-head bro.
  75. This show says bro way too often
  76. Oh. Neighbor lady is still alive? That's nice. Maybe he does really love her (probably not).
  77. "We smoked a little". You should probably not smoke random shit with random guys who are that chauvinistic.
  78. All the women in this show are walking PSAs
  79. Don't sleep at her place, Elliot
  80. Ugh. He's gonna get his ass beat.
  81. LET'S TAKE HIM DOWN
  82. This guy is like Dexter but he doesn't murder people
  83. I guess that's better?
  84. "How do we know that we're in control. That we're not just making the best of what comes at us." This is called "life", sweetheart.
  85. McDonalds or Burger King? Bitch, it's always McDonalds. Those fries? Mmmmm.
  86. This is a depressing chat about how we really have no control in our lives
  87. Oooooo no. Psychologist! Don't make parallels between father and son.
  88. I love that he names his files with music. So good.
  89. Oh there's something in his radiator!!
  90. hahahahah the rapper totally made his cds a sort of virus so that he can hack into peoples' computers. Genius.
  91. I obviously don't know anything about hacking though
  92. lol boring girls boyfriend is such a bad liar. And he left his computer open. The same computer he just received messages about going to go sleep with another girl on.
  93. Gross. First pedophilia, then voyeurism. I guess that's better?
  94. Is rapper guy watching this girl take a shower while sitting on his computer at a library?
  95. Brave move.
  96. And now he's communicating with some Asian people? I'm so confused.
    He can read shitty poetry to me any day.
  97. Christian Slater would be that weirdo who reads poetry out loud
  98. Why is everyone so curious about Elliots dad? We already know that Evil Corp had something to do with it.
  99. Or at least I assume since everyone keeps talking about his damn father.
  100. Awwww your dad was your BFF?
  101. That's sad.
  102. Of course he got fired from Evil Corp. This is where it all starts.
  103. Your dad "accidentally" pushed out out of a WINDOW
  104. Dude. That's some fucked up shit.
  105. HAHAHAHAHAHAH Christian Slater just pushed you off the balcony. Okay.
    What all guys think when they talk to a girl. Juuuuuuuuuuust kidding.
- so I can sigh eternally -

 lauren.

Friday, November 11, 2016

Make a wish and blow out the candles. Here's to 28.


This is my "normal human" face.
28 years ago today, my parents strolled into Kaiser on Sleepy Hollow in Hayward, California. They literally strolled in. No labor pains or broken waters. I was 100% planned and since my parents had the day off on Veterans' Day, they figured, "Hey, why not?" So became my life.

What the hell are you wearing, mother?
Birthdays are such a weird thing. We get together to celebrate getting older. Some people complain about it, loudly wishing they were a teenager again (ew). Some people love getting older because getting older means you're alive. Some people don't really care either way. I'm still trying to figure out which of those last two I am. 28 doesn't seem significant. I've already entered my late 20s. I can vote, drink, see Rocky Horror Picture Show live, and rent a car. The next thing I'm really looking forward to is that senior discount!

This is one of FIVE photos okay. I was tired!
For my birthday, I figured I would give you all a list of the 28 things I've learned over the last 28 years of my life as well as some photos of past birthdays. I know, it's so incredibly creative and no one has ever done this before. Bear with me, I promise I'm not wasting your time. It's a Friday and I know you're not working anyway. I'm currently in Salem, Massachusetts with 2 of my most favorite people on the planet. You're lucky I'm writing this early and setting a timer. This is how much I love you.

28 Things I Have Learned in 28 Years
21st birthday............
  1. The real meaning of love is leaving more than one square of toilet paper in the bathroom. 
  2. Never regret that one relationship you regret, no matter how much of an asshole the other person is now. At one point in time, that other person is exactly what you wanted and hoped for.
  3. Take care of yourself. This could mean having a spa day or simply taking a hot bath. Take care of yourself mentally, physically, and emotionally. Don't rely on others to take care of you.
  4. Don't buy that thing that's SUPER cool just because it's "in" right now, even though you hate it (I'm looking directly at you, Birkenstocks). 
  5. Stop judging people. You do you. You let them do them. Unless they're committing a crime and/or hurting another person, you don't need to let their lives get in the way of yours.
  6. Your mom is probably right, even if she phrases it wrong.
  7. Make sure to look where you're walking. If you don't, you might run into a fire hydrant and have a permanent bump on your thigh.
  8. Invest in good, basic, wardrobe pieces. You won't always need those bell bottom, 70s style overalls, but you will use that basic black skirt several times a year.
  9. Find something to volunteer with. This could be kids, seniors, homeless people, animals... Whatever. It took me a long time to volunteer my time somewhere and I couldn't be happier.
  10. Believe in fairy tales. One of my favorite quotes is from G.K. Chesterton and he said, "Fairy tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten."
    This birthday is definitely, hands down, the one that changed my life.
  11. Stop getting black out drunk after 21. It's tacky. Learn your limits.
  12. If you fart in front of a friend, and they won't be your friend anymore... They weren't really your friend to begin with.
  13. Always ask if you can pet someone's dog. 
  14. Don't peer pressure people. If someone doesn't want to do something, that's cool. But don't try to force them. This applies to many things.
  15. Stay up until you can see the sunrise. Do this at least once in your life.
  16. Go to a weekend long music festival. Trust me. It'll change your view on life.
  17. When it comes to eyebrow trends, ignore them. My brows wouldn't be what they are today if I listened to everyone in the early 2000s.
  18. When you threaten to run away (to a hidden part of the backyard) as a kid, always bring a sandwich.
  19. Take the chance. Sometimes, you'll have your heart broken or you'll lose the money, but take the chance anyway. I've learned that "what if" is way worse than "... well that didn't go as planned".
  20. Explore other options. This applies beyond politics and religions. Just because your parents raised you to believe one thing, doesn't mean that that thing is right for you.
    I hate that shirt he's wearing. With a firy passion.
  21. Spend a Christmas morning with some kids. I don't mean you should kidnap children, I'm saying that you should find someone close to you who has kids. Then you should spend Christmas morning with them. Their genuine happiness is the most wonderful thing you'll ever witness.
  22. Learn how to cook the basic things.
  23. Go see a movie, in a movie theater, all by yourself. The experience is totally different. Do this with eating at a restaurant too.
  24. Let your dog lick your face. You're not going to die.
  25. Eat the damn cupcake. You eat healthy to be healthy but you eat a freaking cupcake to stay sane. Learn balance.
  26. "The hardest thing in this world, is to live in it." - Buffy Summers
  27. There is never a bad time to make a Buffy reference.
  28. And finally, be yourself. The older I've gotten, the more I've realized how people struggle with being their genuine selves. I was really lucky to be raised with parents who nurtured my weirdness. Now, at 28, I don't have to worry about finding myself. I'm right here... Where are you?
    This is still how I feel about her touching me. <3


    - so I can sigh eternally -

     lauren.

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

Mr. Robot. "hello_friend".

Have you guys heard of a show called "Mr.Robot"? If not, you should totally go figure out a way to watch it, even if you have to buy it on iTunes. After prodding from my two co-workers (Thanks, Angela and Juliana!), I finally started this show. I feel like there's going to be insane twists and a ton of mind blown moments. I figured documenting this would be entertaining. I'm going to try to post 2 reactions a week, until I get caught up. Then I'll post once a week, soon after the last episode aired. 



I shouldn't have to say this... But I will...

SPOILER ALERTS!

  1. Okay. Let's get this started.
  2. Yeah. "Hello Friend" is lame. Who does that?
  3. The narrator thinks he's crazy because he talks to himself? ... What does that say about me?
  4. God, I love paranoid, socially awkward geeks.
  5. The goatee on this man is annoying me. Just grow a beard.
  6. The leading man in this show is not cute? But he is cute? But he's not cute? I don't understand what I'm feeling.
  7. He's also so socially awkward. This isn't how most people interact.
  8. lol. "I like your wifi". Pick up lines in the 21st century.
  9. "That's when I decided to hack you." Not okay dude.
  10. Oh nevermind, it's okay because this guy is a pedo. Gross.
  11. I LOVE THE LEADING MAN
  12. YOU TAKE DOWN THE PEDOS
  13. That's not what this whole show is about, right? Cause I don't think I can emotionally take a show about catching pedos.
  14. "I didn't hurt anyone." YES YOU DID YOU LOOK AT PHOTOS OF NAKED CHILDREN
  15. "I'm very different too... I mean, I don't jerk off to little kids" Good to know, leading man (still don't know his name)
  16. Oooooooooo he's on a revenge kick for his dad's death. 
  17. This pedo is either real smart or real dumb for trying to black mail the black mailer
  18. Oh dang. Leading man don't play no games, he already called the cops on this pedo.
  19. The font for Mr. Robot reminds me of something... someone tell me what it's from, kthanx
  20. OH HEY CHRISTIAN SLATER
    I'd so still bang you.
  21. Why is he still so attractive?
  22. DON'T. JUDGE. ME.
  23. Just remembered that this leading guy is going to play Freddie Mercury in a new bio pic. Not sure how I feel about that.
  24. This is the most boring looking office ever.
  25. Ew. Dress codes. That's a thing?
  26. Angela is either in love with him or she's just a crazy beezy.
  27. I apologize for "beezy."
  28. Or our leading man is in love with Angela.
  29. I hope they don't get together. I kind of already don't like her.
    See how boring she looks?
  30. "Yo buddy". Why are boyfriends so awkward.
  31. No one can stand you, boyfriend of girl I don't like.
  32. Maybe that's why you two are together.
  33. So is this guy like Sherlock if Sherlock were a hacker? Then again, isn't Sherlock kind of like a... mind hacker? I'll show myself out.
  34. This guys stalking skills puts mine to shame. He should teach me.
  35. FUCK SOCIETY
  36. I love this guy.
  37. This psychologist blows. Elliott, you don't have to talk to anyone.
  38. "What is it about society that disappoints you?" UM EVERYTHING
  39. He's totally not taking his meds
  40. BRO HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND
  41. "I'm okay with it being awkward between us." Lawl. Same.
  42. Office romances are soooooooooo ridiculous.
  43. Of course office boyfriend likes Maroon 5 and he said "I love you" for the first time on gChat. He probably plays frisbee too.
  44. "I like you, bro". If he says "bro" one more time...
  45. Does this guy die? Is this a show where people die? I hope so. But not Christian Slater.
  46. "He's too dumb to be bad". Literally what I think about 90% of the people I interact with on a daily basis.
  47. Did his dad work for these Evil Corp people? I'm thinking yes.
  48. Tyrell? He looks like a vampire. But not the hot kind.
    He used to be in a boy band, which is why he looks so bitter now.
  49. I DON'T TRUST THIS MAN
  50. HE'S BAD NEWS
  51. IS HE A ROBOT?
  52. ... Is everyone a robot?
  53. He's only "not empty" because of his pet fish that he named qwerty. Tha's cute and sad all at the same time.
  54. Awwwwww he's crying but he has no one to talk to and this is awful
  55. Oh. Just 30ml of morphine a day. NBD.
  56. And this is what happens when you do molly, kids
  57. jk
  58. kinda
  59. This techy guy has a smashed phone screen? Come on.
  60. Wait who is he stalking? Is this the psychologist?
  61. Why?
  62. Is he in love with her too?
  63. Do cab companies really just give out peoples' addresses? And if he's such a great tech wizard, doesn't he already have this guys' address?
  64. DON'T BE A DICK TO A DOG. THEY DO NOT PEE ON COMMAND. IF YOU WANT A DOG, YOU NEED TO MAKE THE DAMN COMMITMENT WHICH MEANS LONG POTTY BREAKS, JERKFACE
  65. I'm done. Thanks. Be nice to dogs, folks.
  66. It's totally Christian Slater who's hacking Evil Corp, isn't it?
  67. "Fingerblasting". lol.
  68. "It's like a crazy serial rapist with a big dick" hahahhahaha I love socially awkward people
  69. Server farms? Is that where they grow servers? This wasn't on FarmVille.
  70. I understand if you stop reading now.
  71. I feel like everything they're doing isn't actually this easy in real life.
  72. He'll leave it, won't he?
  73. "NO ONE WILL KNOW"
  74. Famous last words
  75. "Did you know that I'm gay?" Okay.
  76. This whole gay conversation is really awkward and random
  77. Did you run out of things to write about so you made this scene?
  78. I like the boss guys' old man sweater though
  79. I also like his glasses... Am I actually an old dude?
  80. When a homeless looking dude tells you to get off the subway with him, you should totes do it.
  81. I told you Christian Slater was the hacker.
  82. Why does everyone on this show talk about their dads within 3 minutes of meeting one another?
  83. "Bamboozled". This is a word that should be used more often.
  84. Into the mind of a scammer: If you can catch me, I go to jail. If you can't, I earned the money.
  85. As a Senior Fraud Associate, I hate everything you just said.
  86. As a person, I can't argue with that logic
  87. Coney Island looks like this scary magical wonderland where children get kidnapped by clowns.
  88. No secret knock? So anyone can come into hack territory?
  89. A hacking center in the middle of an arcade? I kind of really love this and I want to be part of this world?
    Hack some. Play some skee ball.
  90. "Do you wanna get high and watch your favorite movie?" Yes, that's what friends do.
  91. With or without your lame boyfriend though?
  92. lol you left the naked chick in your bed? Awkward.
  93. You can't have your lame boyfriend and your hacker best friend (who's in love with you), blondie
  94. Oh right. I forgot that Elliott was a good guy! He's gonna turn that society in!
  95. I mean, probably not but let's just play along
  96. Ugh. This hacker chick is annoying too. Are there any well written female characters on this show?
  97. Those Ferris Wheels that move and plummet you towards the water... those are the worst.
  98. "You do that, you'll set in motion the largest revolution the world has ever seen." NO PRESSURE!
  99. Okay but are they ACTUALLY called "Evil Corp"?
  100. The music in this show has been real odd.
  101. Ew. Evil Corp guy is a douche. He actually doesn't want a woman working with him? What year is this set in?
  102. Oh no. Tyrell noticed Elliott acting shady
  103. Shocking. The government did nothing to bring down the 1%
  104. OMG THE SOCIETY IS GONE?! I'm confused. Did he dream all this? Is he actually insane?!
  105. Daaaaang. The way he's able to crack passwords is kind of genius
  106. Dude, he is legit stalking his psychologist.
  107. How does a man, who has a baby, a dog, and a wife, still have time for multiple girlfriends? I'm equal parts disgusted and impressed. Teach me your time management skills, dude!
  108. lol he took the dog! Good. That guy was a dick.
  109. The song he made as the asshole married person is my parents wedding song lol
  110. Why is Angela being such a bitch?
  111. Because he stuck up for his friend and coworker? Cool.
  112. Don't kiss him in front of all your coworkers AND your boyfriend
  113. OH HECK YEAH FBI DID SOMETHING RIGHT
  114. Times Square looks like a real awful place to be
  115. Uh oh. the men in black got him?
  116. Where are you, Christian Slater?!
  117. Oh look. It's evil Tyrell. I told you so.
  118. Final note: what did married man tell his wife about the dog? Cause if my husband gave away my dog with zero explanation, I'd divorce and/or kill him.

- so I can sigh eternally -

 lauren.